[join the revolution.]

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Couldn't of said it better myself.

Doing a little web browsing this afternoon while switching back and forth between the Broncos-Chargers game and the Eagles-Packers game, and I came upon this little tidbit on patton oswalt's blog, yes it's a month too late, I don't care:

november 4th
YOU CAN'T PUT YOUR ARMS AROUND A MEMORY
That's it. All done. Mourning, pissing, whining and sulking. Got it out of my system. I re-read Chesterson's "A Ballade of An Anti-puritan" (so can you—
http://www.online-literature.com/chesterton/902/) and listened to the "God" and "Murder" CDs from Johnny Cash's LOVEGODMURDER boxed set.

Enjoy the next four years, red states. I'm not trying to be cynical or smughere. I understand why you'd be uninspired by John Kerry. Besides, Dubya probably reminds you of that just-folks guy who manages the local Subway franchise. He always slips an extra SHREK 2 toy into the Kid's Meal? Whatta guy.

You voted, again, for your exploiters. You chose people who don't care about you to take care of you. Maybe you'll get out of it unscathed. I doubt it. If you believe in the power of prayer, pray that your elected leaders keep your kids out of any more wars. Pray they'll fix the economy. Pray your kids will stay off drugs when their job opportunities dry up. Pray, pray, pray. Don't actually do anything realistic or proactive about it. Pray. Pray 'til you poop your pants. Pray for a magical super-being up in the sky to come down and fix your problems, like the people in the Superman and Green Lantern comics. "Nothing you can do but pray" will be carved onto the tombstone of the 21st century. I always thought it'd be a line of dialogue from THE BIG LEBOWSKI, but there you go.

You don't need to worry about gays getting married or anyone forcing you to get an abortion—but you never needed to worry about that in the first place. You don't need to worry about any terrorist attacks in the Midwest—unless it's by another all-American, white bread Timothy McVeigh. The brown terrorists only want to blow up New York and California. Brown goes much better with blue, anyway. Just ask any of the unmarried fags you're trying to convert.

And don't for one second forget this—everything that happens in the nextfour years? It is the Republicans' fault. They've got the White House, Senate, Congress and, very soon, the Supreme Court. Us silly-ass Democrats are powerless. The slate-grey shitstorm that's coming down on your heads didn't come from anyone else but the Christian jocks you voted for.
The Democratic Party is flat-lining right now. Dead. But four more years of Dubya—mark my words—will destroy the Republican party forever. You watch.

And in that spirit—and this is for everyone—let's all partake of the following drink, in celebration of the eventual resurrection of common sense, tolerance, friendship and true spirituality. A drink recipe from the time of Prohibition (when they prohibited alcohol, instead of intelligence) courtesy of Burbank's own resident savant, Dr. Cocktails:
Fill a cocktail shaker with ice and add the gin, Cointreau, Lillet, lemon juice and pastis. Shake well and strain into a cocktail glass. Garnish with cherry and serve.

The cherry will sink to the bottom, a vague glow of crimson beneath the silvery murk. That's the sweet, red future we can look forward to, slumbering under the bitter, bitter ice. The sweetness of the red states waking the fuck up. You are a lot smarter than your leaders treat you. Now rise to the fucking occasion. I refuse to believe in this "two Americas" bullshit. We're all being fooled.

I'm drinking one of these at 9pm PST. Red and blue and undecided, you're all invited to share it with me. And let's all listen to "(What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace Love and Understanding" while we do it. One big gulp. Down the hatch.

Four more years.



credit: pattonoswalt.com

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